Gesamtkunstwerk

random entry... since someone wanted me to post something here... =p

played gb just now. was lucky enough to get the dragon bot 2 times. won the first, lost the second.

anyway, speaking of dragons... i miss my baby dwagon. =)

vicious, vengeful; both at once. (or so i like to think.)

maybe not, after what happened yesterday: we were waiting for dad in the car. me in the passenger seat, my mom and sis at the back. sis tells me to turn on the light, which i did, and when i saw she was reading (why the hell bring a book to a family-reunion-type dinner?) i cheekily switched it off. mom says i'm - in crude teochew, and a Fucking irritating tone - that i'm "naughty/bad". it's none of her business but no problemo - i turn it on again.

now the unwritten rule of that car is, if i'm in the passenger seat, the central console is my job - locking doors, the auto gate, aircon, radio station, even unwinding the window at tollgates - i bloody wait on the driver but hey, no problemo, used to it. my dad gets in and proceeds to back the car out. he notices the light on and inquires, so i have to turn it off again. at which point, and not being her business anyway (again), mom calls me "stupid". in the same Fucked, derogatory tone of voice.

all in a matter of seconds.
she condemns both my acts, switch on and switch off, to be wrong in the same breath.
conveniently insulting me.
for no call in the first place.

what was i to do? break. blow. erupt.

i yelled. instant, awkward silence. dad tries to make light of it, but he never heard the first part anyway. i contemplated just letting loose and banging on the switch for emphasis, but it never came. i thought of getting out immediately and not joining the dinner (and if she told me to give face to dad, i'd tell her to give me face and stay at home in my place and see what smart answer she had. but that's just ridiculous.) i haven't had dinner with my dad for a year, and spoiling his mood while we were still in the car porch was just... nah. i Could've done it - he would've broken, blown, erupted just the same just as quickly. think of the consequences... everyone's mood killed, and the dinner would be meaningless.

but my own mood was gone. the whole night was already meaningless from that point. but i thought, better one than all. for sheer pettiness, i ignored my mom throughout - even when she passed me a spoon and called me thrice, i let her hold it there in mid-air. and in the bitterness of it all i found sweet knowledge of the potential malice i could wreak. which i luckily chose not to.

i might have been happier if i did - scorpio, after all.

it's good to be 20 and know u have a specific power which transcends your parents' control. i'm no sadist, and i think it's natural. it's a mental liberation, proof of independance. if u read the unspeakable confessions of salvador dali (an infinitely twisted mind) - which i've smuggled from rmit's library and photocopied here, and considering my proud country's senseless censorship, i believe is the only volume in this region - u'll understand all the better. dali was "contradiction incarnate, challenge personified", and also the polar opposite of censorship. on the basis of it being a psychological necessity, he laid bare his patriarchal hate and most petty of all -

used to spite his poor, thrifty dad by visiting in a cadillac. i just loooove that.